There isn’t a mom out there who doesn’t have some anxiety about going back to work after having a baby. Even if you love your career, like I did, there’s always a pull on your heart when your maternity leave ends and you wonder, “Am I doing the right thing?”
When your child is healthy and “typical” it’s hard enough but when your child has special needs the anxiety is valid. Sometimes, as with autism, you don’t realize there’s a problem until after you’ve returned from work. That was my situation.
After an extended maternity leave I returned to work as a senior executive at a top PR firm in New York City. The commute was long but manageable. Things were going along smoothly and, even though my job was demanding, we got into a nice little routine.
Signs that something wasn’t right started appearing when my son was around 2. He was much slower than the other kids to learn to crawl and walk, although the pediatrician kept assuring me that he was well within the range of “normal.” But he also didn’t interact with the other kids the same way.
And so, my “second career” began. I started reading everything I could about childhood development and seeking out experts. I was advised to start taking him to a speech therapist. Hmmm, try finding one that has hours after you get off the 7:19P MetroNorth train. Once kindergarten began it was apparent that my son had “learning disabilities.” The school never said autism or anything else, just a vague label of “learning disabilities.”
I quickly entered the brave new world of “special needs’ alphabet soup” – IEPs and PPTs. For those of you who do not have children with special needs these are all acronyms for school protocols. I’ll never forget the first PPT with my son. This is a meeting with the school – the principal, my son’s teacher, speech therapist, occupational therapist, etc.
Walking in the room I was a senior executive at one of the world’s largest PR firms who was used to dealing with executives from Fortune 500 companies and having teams of 20 – 30 people report into me. I was used to “taking meetings.”
Walking out of that first PPT I felt like a complete idiot and scared mom. This was a new world for me. They were speaking about my son, my baby! This wasn’t some new product hitting the shelves, this was my flesh and blood. And I needed to very quickly learn their game. Yes, it’s a game.
For while they tell you they want to help your child, and oftentimes many of them do, for them it’s just one more child that they need to pay to educate. I learned very quickly that, ultimately, I was the only one who truly had my son’s best interests at heart and if I wanted him to receive all the services he should in the environment he needed to, then I needed to become his advocate. I needed to learn the world of “special needs politics.”
Unfortunately, having a full time career did not leave me the time to train for a second career. I worked out a situation with my company where I worked from home two days a week which did provide me a bit of extra time. But, in the end, I realized that to truly serve my son, I needed to find a new career, one that would allow me to be home and work around his schedule.
Thus, The Safety Mom was born. I don’t work any less than I did when I commuted to New York, in fact I work more. But it’s in the wee hours of the morning before my kids are up and late into the night after they’ve gone to sleep. And while I have an amazing babysitter who has been with me now for four years and has come to learn about my son and his needs, many times it’s me who will sit and do his homework with him because I’m the only one who has the patience.
So now my life is divided between my professional career and my “mom” career – caring for all three of my children but taking my son to a series of therapists, specialists and experts. I’m constantly researching new treatments and tracking down anyone who might have an answer as to how to unlock my son’s mind.
He’s been given a diagnosis of ADHD/Speech Language Disorder/NVLD and Pychosis Non-Specified. What does that all mean? Not much except it’s a nice label they can put on him. It hasn’t changed a thing in regards to treatment. I’ve become really smart about PPTs and now can speak their language. I found that a Special Needs Advocate can be my voice when I’m too overwhelmed to have mine.
But I’m one of the lucky ones. I found a way to work and still be there for my son. I know that not everyone has the flexibility and I constantly think of moms who are trying to advocate and care for their special needs’ child while at the same time put food on the table for their children and pay for the treatments that are usually not covered under medical insurance.
What’s the solution? Teachers that are better trained to help all children with special needs and are given the opportunity to do so would help. Insurance companies who cover psychological and alternatives treatments would be another good idea. But I don’t see either of these happening in the near term.
In the meantime, talk to your employer and enlist their support. Get a Special Needs’ Advocate who can be your representative. Above all, rely on family and friends. Not just for physical support but for those times you will feel overwhelmed and need a shoulder to cry on.
3 Comments
Most of what you have written rings true. My special needs children are a part of why I am in business now.
I’m very blessed in that I can stay home with my children and we can live on one paycheck. I have 10 children and my youngest has Down syndrome. He has not yet started school but I suspect what you’ve written is true. I want my son to have what he needs not what the school “thinks” he needs. I do not want him put into a box just because he has DS. I want him evaluated for his specific needs and I don’t want to play the funding game. I appreciate what you’ve written. Thank you..
Loved reading this – I’m constantly juggling these demands too and some days it’s harder than others!