There’s a common theme when I open up my email every morning. A storm of emails has normally flooded my inbox from worried parents, concerned about the confidence of their up and coming David Beckham, Sidney Crosby or Lebron James.
And my response is often the same.
“I hope you’re not showing this sign of worry around your son or daughter. Because when you make it a big deal – they make it a big deal.”
Not good.
The other day was no different, I received this frantic email from a friend of mine (see if you can relate):
“Todd, as I was undressing a tearful 5 year old after her first soccer game (she was frustrated that her teammates were taking the ball away from her), I felt a little uncertain how to respond. I could always give her the ‘everything will be okay’ Mommy talk, but I’m sure there’s a better way to encourage her. I don’t want her to start hating soccer or any sport for that matter – just because of a bad experience.
Any advice for a ‘Soccer Mom’ on how to encourage her kid and make sports fun again?”
If you can relate – than here are 3 things you can do to help make sport a positive experience for your little demon in cleats.
1) Take the focus off winning and losing.
2) Support the concepts of learning and growing.
3) Give specific feedback.
I can hear the hardcore sports fanatics booing me already. “Whatdya mean take the focus off winning! I’m not teaching my kid to be a pansie.”
If that’s you… You need to definitely read this.
Winning and losing are outcomes, and always focusing attention on outcomes causes stress. There are just too many other factors at play, so you outcomes can’t be controlled.
When we’re just getting a youngster involved in sport – or any activity really – it’s important to frame the experience properly. And, there’s no better person like Mom or Dad to help make that happen.
What do I mean?
Sport, like most activities a person is trying out, is all about learning, discovery and growth.
So all of your conversations with your soccer star should be revolving around those three topics.
Instead of asking them, “Did you score any goals today?” (which is an outcome and something they really can’t control). Ask them, “Did you learn anything new in todays game?” Or, “I noticed your getting much better with your passing out there! When you kicked it over to Timmy it was just in the right spot. Good job!”
Remember, your son or daughter is looking to you for approval. And when you ask questions like winning or losing, scoring goals or earning a medal, you’re teaching them that unless I get one of those things Mommy doesn’t love me. Or, Daddy doesn’t think I’m any good.
After working with thousands of pro and Olympic athletes around the world – this is one of the biggest things that still ‘chaps their behinds’.
You’ll notice in the, “When you kicked it over to Timmy…” compliment, it was specific.
Don’t just hand out a “Good work.” or “You played well.”, those just fall flat and have zero impact. Pick out a few things that relate to them developing their skills and they’ll continue to want to improve. SPECIFICS MATTER!
Soooo… if that was my little 5 year old tearing up over a stolen ball, this is what I’d say:
“That’s right they did take the ball from you, they’re just learning how to play soccer like you though and they’ll learn that it’s not the right thing to do. BUT, remember when you went into that pile of players and everyone was battling for the ball, and you came out with it! That was such a good play and your Daddy (try to use other parent in this compliment) was so proud of you. What else do you think you did today that was good?”
There are 3 key points in that parenting moment:
1) You agreed with her. You said, “That’s right”, it immediately disarms the argument factor in the mind.
2) I re-framed to a positive performance moment in the game, and was specific.
3) I said how someone else was proud. This is more powerful than saying, “I was so proud.” Because they know you’re there to cheer them up (kids ain’t dumb 🙂 ) – but if there’s a third party compliment, they start to use their imagination about how and when that compliment could have happened. (Shhhh… it’s a big persuasion secret!)
Bonus:
3.5) I than asked “What else”, now they get to choose something they’re proud of – really powerful!
Do that and you’ll unleash a motivated little achiever developing strong positive thinking habits. And, you’ll find very little reason to worry about a youngster with low self-esteem.
Here’s the audio version of today’s post:
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Todd Herman is a Peak Performance Coach to Professional and Olympic athletes. And has worked with Hollywood actors and business professionals on the inner game of success. He’s also a Root-Beer fanatic and probably needs counselling! You can find out more at: http://thepeakathlete.com or http://thechampionshcallenge.com
14 Comments
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I really needed this post today! I have a 7-year-old son who reluctantly plays soccer each week. The league does a great job of focusing on good sportsmanship and not necessarily “winning,” but my little guy still gets frustrated. I LOVE your idea of picking out a specific play to use for a compliment. I had also never heard to use the other parent in the compliment — how wonderfully sneaky of you! I can't wait to use my new techniques this weekend! — Tara
Thanks Tara!
I can't even begin to tell you how powerful a third party compliment can be in building up a persons pride and confidence. It's like tripling the effectiveness of those words.
Think about it… 1) They've just heard something positive come from the reporters mouth – You. 2) Someone besides you, thinks they're great. And, 3) People have positive things to say about them when they're not around.
That last one is a BIGGIE! So many people have this feeling that when they're not present, people talk about them behind their back. And, usually not in a positive way. So now you've just flipped their entire world uʍop-ǝpısdn. Powerful!
(This works just as well on you and I too, though. 😉 )
– Todd
Todd, you are fabulous. I have three girls with varying degrees of interest in sports, but the one thing I always stress both with my kids as they play sports AND with my business coaching clients is that we have to learn to enjoy the ride in everything that we do. Life is not all about the outcome or end result.
Life (and the growth of skills or the launch of a business) is about appreciating the experience as you go along, embracing challenges as learning opportunities and enjoying that process.
Now… I am going to have to figure out how to work that third party trick into my coaching work! 😉 Thanks for a great post!
Here's a modified version of the '3rd Party Trick' for ya Britt…
“While I was coaching another client last week, I told them about how you were able to get your new product launched in less than 2 weeks, because you implemented the two outsourcing strategies we discussed. They were so inspired by your story, they went out and did the exact same thing and it looks like its going to make a dramatic change in their business. So thank you for being such a good example for me to share with others.”
Hope that helps! 🙂
Ok, you are my new favorite! This rocks!!! Thanks Todd! 🙂
Haha – You're welcome!
Todd,
That is so true! I have heard before that a great parenting tactic is to have your kids “overhear” you singing their praises to someone else. The idea being that you are proud of them and bragging about them even when they shouldn't be hearing. Brilliant!
Like Britt, I am going to have to try this on some clients as well. I'll be spreading the love!! — Tara
What do you do? You buy him/her a musical instrument and teach that creativity is more than winning or losing. I grew up hating soccer and all sports, and don't regret it one bit. Instead, I focused on being creative and have forged a graphic design career for myself.
I have never discouraged my kids from playing sports – on the contrary. If they want to play, I'm supportive. But I do believe that you either get into music or sport. Aside from the physical exercise, music also teaches working in a team, practising long hours, aiming for long term goals, achievement, determination and self discipline.
Sports is like life, a constant challenge – a never ending journey within us to win and excel in whatever our choices are.
At the age of 5 our daughter told us she was done with figure skating because it was “stupid”. And in the next breath she announced she wanted to play hockey. Eight years later, she still loves the game – so glad we listened to her rather than pushing what we thought she ought to be doing. You kids need to try lots of activites and follow their passion.
To this day, my first question is always – what was your contribution? Some days she scores the goals, other days she helps making passes – whatever it is, it lets her tell us how she felt about the day without focusing on the score.
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What to do when your kid hates soccer? Nothing. It’s their life. Don’t make him. Go to hell. Let him breathe.
Amen. My girls refused to play soccer and danm near threw a fit when I suggested it among a list of school sports to take part in. It was the type of visceral reaction I was unprepared for. Basketball and Softball won the day.