The other day I was sitting at my computer. I had been there for hours and I needed a break.
I needed to get up and stretch, to breathe a little fresh air to slow down. I needed a time-out. I took a short walk outside and returned refreshed and ready to take up where I had left off.
Time-out has become a popular way to handle child misbehavior. Sometimes it involves a particular chair in an arid environment that is imposed by setting one minute per year of the child’s age. Gee, by that reckoning I could have had a nice long break but would not have been able to get the fresh air.
Before we look at time-out let’s define some terms.
There’s a world of difference between punishment and discipline.
Punishment is about causing pain or discomfort in an effort to change behavior. If we hurt the child he will think twice about misbehaving. And it often works, in the short term. It works as long as we hurt them enough to dissuade them from repeating the misbehavior. And it works only as long as they are afraid of us.
All the motivation is external. Children learn that parents will hurt them if they don’t follow the rules, but they don’t learn why those rules exist. They learn to be sneaky so they won’t get caught, and that they can misbehave when nobody’s watching. We’ve all heard about teens who throw parties as soon as their parents are away.
Discipline, on the other hand, is not about pain or punishment, nor about revenge or retribution. Discipline is about teaching, guiding and training.
When we discipline children we are teaching them the difference between right and wrong. We’re helping them to learn about the consequences of their actions.
They learn why rules exist and how breaking the rules impacts on others as well. They slowly internalize the information so they can learn to behave appropriately in future. They learn self-discipline.
And a time-out is a break. It’s a chance to get away and calm down, to take time to think or to get a rest. It’s a coffee break, a break in the action at a hockey game, a walk around the block or counting to ten.
When we say to our child; “You settle down young man or you’re going to have a time-out,” that’s punishment. We will impose this and the threat of it is seen as a way to make him behave.
When we say; “It looks like you need to take a break. How about you come with me for a few minutes so you can settle down.” That’s a time-out.
We should stay with our kids when they’re little. Otherwise they will see what’s happening as banishment and never connect it with the misbehavior. When we stay with them and help them to calm down they learn about the need to take a break when a situation is getting out of hand.
We can also model time-out. When you’re nose-to-nose with your eight-year-old and tempers are flaring look at him and say: “I need a time-out.
We can continue this when I calm down. I’m going for a walk around the block.”
My friend Nicole is mother of a large and noisy family. They all thrive in the hustle-bustle created when they get together. Recently her son invited his friend Jeremy to come on a weekend camping trip. When they returned home Nicole told me that she noticed that from time to time, when the stimulation of her rowdy family became too much for Jeremy he’d quietly wander off on his own for fifteen or twenty minutes and return full of energy.
Jeremy had learned from his parents about taking a break. When he was a toddler his parents would remove him when he lost it with his friends and would help him calm down. By the time he started school his mom could simply say, “Jeremy, you need to take a break.” And he’d leave the room until he calmed down. And now, at age 12 he knows how to self-calm. And that’s what time-out is about.
Time-out is the coffee break of life. Let’s treat it like that. Taking a time-out shouldn’t be a punishment; it should be a wonderful chance to settle down.
Kathy Lynn, BA. CCFE
Kathy Lynn is Canada’s leading speaker on parenting issues. She works in workplace wellness programs and speaks at conferences and professional development events. She has helped thousands of parents to regain some order in their lives by improving their skills as parents. She is a Canadian bestselling author a regular columnist with Today’s Parent magazine as well as a number of newspapers. She has hosted both an open-line radio and television program.
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4 Comments
While I agree with this on some levels, this only addresses 1 issue of temper tantrums or flare ups. Time outs can be very effective (without making children “scared”) as a tool to reinforce that their behaviour is not okay. Once the timeout is over, I discuss with them why their behaviour was an issue.
I agree that discipline is the main focus, not punishment. But I do not condone the attitude that we have to coddle our children through every action — sometimes, leaving the situation IS a punishment. But life gives us our own punishments for bad behaviour when we are adults. By raising kids who learn that there are consequences for their actions, we create more responsible adults.
I agree with this and would like to add that by the logic in the original article, (“They learn to be sneaky so they won’t get caught, and that they can misbehave when nobody’s watching.” if time outs are used as punishment)…that children also learn to misbehave just to have a cuddly, calming time-out with Mom or Dad. This brings on more poor behavior, and a vicious circle. I think that immediate, appropriate consequences (such as time-outs that the original author may call punishment) to poor behavior are quite appropriate in many situations. Further, self-calming techniques can also be taught, before the situation escalates, or at a different time altogether.
This is a tough one that I’ve been struggling with for months.
Punishment is done maliciously, out of contempt and impatience (“How dare that child disobey me!!”).
The majority of time-outs I see parents use are because THEY are the ones who can’t handle what the kid is doing. They are not present as an active participant in the act of parenting, rather are passive while trying to do other things (clean the house, text to their friends, surf on facebook, work-from-home, talk to friends, drink their wine, cook supper, etc.). So what the child winds up doing takes the parent away from what he/she was doing, which results in the Ego reaction (“how dare he. . . “).
Discipline is done out of love. “I love you too much to allow you to behave like this” is a great quote I recently heard. Humans are social creatures whose brains are hard-wired to connect with others (read Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman). Confinement away from the area of the offense without human contact is ‘punishment’ if the parent is not there helping the child to calm down using their own calming energy (which activates the child’s mirror neurons). IF the child chooses to walk away to calm down, that is inner-discipline. Taking the child and isolating him/her is punishment.
Just as stickers for going on the potty is bribery, using threats of time-out are punishment. Neither teach discipline. They may manipulate behaviour using operant conditioning, but do they teach inner discipline that this author (or the likes of Barbara Coloroso) are getting at? In my opinion, it is a solid “no”.
Great article.
This is a tough one that I've been struggling with for months.
Punishment is done maliciously, out of contempt and impatience (“How dare that child disobey me!!”).
The majority of time-outs I see parents use are because THEY are the ones who can't handle what the kid is doing. They are not present as an active participant in the act of parenting, rather are passive while trying to do other things (clean the house, text to their friends, surf on facebook, work-from-home, talk to friends, drink their wine, cook supper, etc.). So what the child winds up doing takes the parent away from what he/she was doing, which results in the Ego reaction (“how dare he. . . “).
Discipline is done out of love. “I love you too much to allow you to behave like this” is a great quote I recently heard. Humans are social creatures whose brains are hard-wired to connect with others (read Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman). Confinement away from the area of the offense without human contact is 'punishment' if the parent is not there helping the child to calm down using their own calming energy (which activates the child's mirror neurons). IF the child chooses to walk away to calm down, that is inner-discipline. Taking the child and isolating him/her is punishment.
Just as stickers for going on the potty is bribery, using threats of time-out are punishment. Neither teach discipline. They may manipulate behaviour using operant conditioning, but do they teach inner discipline that this author (or the likes of Barbara Coloroso) are getting at? In my opinion, it is a solid “no”.
Great article.