Parenting 101: Mom Versus the Kids Power Struggles – How to Handle the Ultimate Game of Tug-of-War

“Do it now! Because I said so!”

Remember vowing that you would never say those words to your children? Me too and yet I’ve heard those very words come out of my mouth. So much for Thought I Had As A Child #54: “I’ll never say that stupid thing my mom just said to me to MY kids!”.

Even if you haven’t said those EXACT words, chances are you have said one of the many variations on the same theme. You know, “Yes, you DO need to do it now. Now get going. Now. NOW. Stop arguing with me. Do it.”

Parents absolutely need to be lovingly and FIRMLY in charge. Where it gets sticky is where parents tell their child to do something, the child doesn’t do it, and the power struggle begins. A power struggle is the beginning of your picking up the rope to begin the game of tug of war. It means you want to win instead of teach.

How the Ultimate Game of Tug of War Starts

The tug of war game begins when your child says no or just doesn’t do what you say, and you and she get in a verbal wrestling match (picking up the rope). Words start flying and before you know it, you’re so angry that your authority has been threatened and that your child has been so disrespectful (in either word, deed, or both) that you say and do things you later regret.

Maybe you make threats, or yell. Maybe you explain why your child needs to do what you say NOW, and then back them into a corner until you “win.” In this case, “winning” means your child does what you ask. But at what price to the relationship? At what price to your sanity?

Many parents have asked me, “Well, how am I supposed to teach my child that I mean business, even if they don’t want to do what I say? What kind of employer is going to want someone like that around?”

The first thing to remember is that you can’t “make” someone do anything: especially anything having to do with going to the bathroom in a certain place, eating, sleeping and other biological functions. You can, however, teach them by modeling and by inspiring them to cooperate.

It may sound like a cop-out, like I’m advocating mollycoddling your child and trying to “convince” them to do what you ask. I’m not. I’m saying that power struggles have more to do with real struggles than they do real power. REAL power, authentic power, doesn’t involve threats, guilt-trips, and power plays.

In fact, one of the ways you know you’re in your authentic power with your child is when you are acting more than talking. Talking, explaining, yelling, cajoling in the heat of the moment means you’ve lost your authentic power and you’re using words to try to regain it.

If you’ve ever felt tired of power struggles but haven also wondered how to handle them without being too lenient and just giving in, you’re not alone. Power struggles are like our own personal litmus test for how clear we are about our boundaries and how willing we are to enforce them with action and not words.

Power struggles bring up all of our power issues from our own parenting. We tend to parent in the ways we were parented and also in opposition to how we were parented. If your parents were super strict and you felt controlled, you might react by going in the opposite direction with your own children. Or not.

The first key is to be aware of your beliefs about power and parenting. The second key is to get clear on how engaging your child in power struggle is causing you pain. Do you regret what you say? Is your relationship suffering? Do you feel guilty that your children do what you say only after you’ve yelled at them five times? Do you call your child names when you’re angry and then feel awful about it?

How to Put a Stop to the Mom versus Kids Power Struggle

Power struggles are one of the biggest stressors for parents. They bring out the worst in parents and children.

#1: Prevent them before you start. Make sure your children know what you expect of them, and that they have the requisite skills to do it. Don’t laugh, but as a new mom I thought it was age-appropriate for my two year old to put all her toys away—by herself. Was it any wonder that she melted down after putting two away?

#2: Know your own anger cues. When your child pushes your buttons, what happens in your body? Do you get short of breath? Does your face get hot? Does your heart race? Knowing what happens at the beginning of the anger cycle means you can calm yourself down by taking a breath and putting a PAUSE between you and your behavior. Acting in anger is one of the many ways that keeps power struggles going. It may seem like the last thing you want to do, but if you make calming yourself the first thing you do, you’ll be in a better position to discipline (and since discipline means “to teach” and you teach by what you do, calming yourself is a powerful skill to model).

#3: Say it once and follow through. Power struggles thrive on words just as cars run on gas. There’s no need to explain yourself if you’ve been clear about your expectations up front, AND made sure your kids know how to do what you ask.

#4: Watch your thoughts. Many a mom has resolved to stay away from power struggles only to find herself “hooked” by thoughts such as, “She can’t get away with this!” and “Unless I do something now he’s getting away with murder!” Know that staying calm and refraining from explaining yourself is NOT the same thing as letting your child “get away with it.” Let the consequences do the teaching.

#5: Remember that it takes two to play tug of war: drop the rope, and there’s no game. “Dropping the rope” isn’t the same thing as “giving in.” Rather, it means that you are willing to take a breath, calm yourself down, and when you’re ready, ACT, rather than react.

The funny thing about power struggles is that your children are watching you to see how you handle them. They may not know it, but they are wanting to know if you can remain calm and in charge while they are pushing back at you. It’s not easy to “drop the rope,” but in the long run, it’ll make parenting so much easier!

Download Karen’s Free Audio and Guide on “How To Get Your Kids To Listen And Do What You Say” at www.theguiltfreemom.com