Keeping your children safe from child predators sounds like a scary proposition, but it doesn’t have to be. We used to teach children about “stranger danger”, but studies have shown that most sexual abuse occurs at the hands of someone known to the child.
He might seem like the friendliest teacher, neighbor, uncle or coach. Unfortunately, this person, who is always showing an interest in your child and working to develop trust, can sometimes be a child predator. The way to prevent child sexual abuse is to educate children about their bodies and encourage them to inform a trusted adult if someone touches them inappropriately.
Just as we teach children about the dangers associated with crossing the street or going near a hot oven, we must talk to them about how to keep their bodies safe. As a prosecutor of child abuse and sex crimes in New York City, I am all too aware of the importance of having this discussion with children at a young age.
How to talk to your children about body safety
#1 No secrets. Period.
Encourage your children to tell you about things that happen to them that make them feel scared, sad or uncomfortable. If children have an open line of communication, they will be more inclined to alert you to something suspicious before it becomes a problem.
The way I effectuate this rule is as follows: If someone, even a grandparent, were to say something to my child such as “I’ll get you an ice cream later, but it will be our secret”, I firmly, but politely say “We don’t do secrets in our family.” Then I say to my child “Right? We don’t do secrets. We can tell each other everything.”
#2 Teach your child the correct terms for their body parts.
This will make them more at ease if they need to tell you about a touch that made them feel uncomfortable.
#3 Practice “what if” scenarios.
Say to your child, “What would you do if someone offered you a treat, or a gift when I wasn’t there?” Help your child arrive at the right answer, which is to say no, and ask you first. Many parents also encourage children to walk or run away in this situation.
#4 Let children decide for themselves how they want to express affection.
Children should not be forced to hug or kiss if they are uncomfortable. Even if they are your favorite aunt, uncle or cousin, your child should not be forced to be demonstrative in their affection. While this may displease you, by doing this, you will empower your child to say no to inappropriate touching.
#5 Teach your child that adults do not need to ask children for help.
Predators use tricks to lure children, for example, asking them to help find a lost pet, give directions, or help carry something. When you are sitting down talking to your child, use these examples as part of your “what if” scenarios to reinforce the lessons about safety.
Young children respond well to these tips and they should be revisited often. We can teach our children about water safety and not make them fearful of the water. We need to do the same when it comes to keeping their body safe.
If a child does disclose any type of abuse, it is important to take the disclosure seriously and report it to the appropriate authorities promptly. By doing these things, together we can help break the cycle of child abuse.
Check out Jill’s book “My Body Belongs to Me” as a resource for both children and parents on how to prevent sexual abuse through education!
8 Comments
Excellent summary – thanks! It is so critical to empower our kids, and these tips certainly support that. Related to the open lines of communication in your ‘no secrets’ tip, I would add that really being ‘present’ when our kids are seeking our attention is key to fostering the open communication. Regardless of what our kids want to talk about or what they’re requesting, how we respond to them in that moment sets the stage for the longer-term relationship. If they know we’re ready and interested in listening to whatever they have to share, they’re much more likely to keep sharing with us, even when the topics are tough.
Excellent summary – thanks! It is so critical to empower our kids, and these tips certainly support that. Related to the open lines of communication in your 'no secrets' tip, I would add that really being 'present' when our kids are seeking our attention is key to fostering the open communication. Regardless of what our kids want to talk about or what they're requesting, how we respond to them in that moment sets the stage for the longer-term relationship. If they know we're ready and interested in listening to whatever they have to share, they're much more likely to keep sharing with us, even when the topics are tough.
Protecting against predators is such an important topic for all parents to discuss with their kids and thank you to Jill for giving us some really easy and not so yucky ways to empower our kids! My favorite suggestion is #3 – my kids love to play the what-if game and this gets them to think of creative solutions that I would never have even thought of!
So many parents think that they don’t need to address this topic with their kids or they are just flat out embarrassed to touch the subject. Jill, you just made it easy peasy. No more excuses! It’s time to give our kids the tools they need to stay safe.
Protecting against predators is such an important topic for all parents to discuss with their kids and thank you to Jill for giving us some really easy and not so yucky ways to empower our kids! My favorite suggestion is #3 – my kids love to play the what-if game and this gets them to think of creative solutions that I would never have even thought of!
So many parents think that they don't need to address this topic with their kids or they are just flat out embarrassed to touch the subject. Jill, you just made it easy peasy. No more excuses! It's time to give our kids the tools they need to stay safe.
Excellent article – thanks for writing it, and for making it available online.
Body knowledge should never be withheld or couched behind baby-terms. I had a children’s medical book called The Body Book since I learned to read. Sex and pregnancy were treated in much the same tone as the digestive system.
The difference between being informed of these things in a natural, non-sensational way, and hearing the other children spread rumours that you could get someone pregnant if you did [substitute silly rumour of the week here], was stark.
This is a great post. I have two young kids so these tips are very important. While they are young my wife and I really need to teach them the correct vocabulary for body parts.
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