Do you recall singing songs about friendship as a little girl? Many of us sat with our girlfriends singing loudly…
Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and the other gold.
This song taught us the importance of making new friends. As little girls we understood that we had the right to make new friends who may mean more to us than friends of our past and that it was okay to define friends as gold and silver.
What the song neglected to teach us was what to do with the friendships that made us feel bad. Instead we were taught that we should remain loyal, supportive and true to all of our friends and hold onto unhealthy friendships by putting them in the “silver’ category. We were never taught how to let go of friendships gone bad.
We lack the skills to end a friendship that no longer serves to uplift and support us and instead continue in friendships that are causing stress. The Silver and Gold song needs a new line that talks about how to let go of an unhealthy friendship…
Friendships change, and when they do, learn to let go and take care of you!
Has your Good Friend Gone Bad? A Simple Test…
Does my friend support me in all that I do?
Are you supported by your friend? Are you encouraged to grow through positive feedback or do you feel that your friend is competitive and critical? Many times friendships go bad due to jealousy.
Remember, it’s not about you. Healthy relationships should support you to become all that you can be without fear of out shining one another. A healthy friend will not only push you to succeed, but will be genuinely happy when you do.
Can I trust my friend?
Do you feel comfortable sharing freely with your friend, or do you find that you edit your conversations due to lack of trust? Is your soul whispering to you that you should not trust your friend?
Often we wait for concrete proof to substantiate what our intuition tells us about an untrustworthy friend. If you feel it, know it to be true. It is time to listen and allow your intuition to guide you.
Am I at my best when with my friend?
Do you like who you are when you spend time with your friend or do you find that you become someone else when in her presence? Do you behave differently, allowing your values and personality to shift?
Often, when engaged in an unhealthy relationship, we will mirror behavior out of our need to please and recapture the approval of the friend gone bad. Look deeply and acknowledge if this is taking place.
Is the friendship energy equally shared?
The difference between a friendship and an acquaintance is the equally shared attention, affection, energy and support. Does your friend reciprocate or take advantage of what you bring to the relationship? Do you feel that your generosity is taken advantage of ? Is your friend is never available when you need her?
If you are always giving support to your friend yet receive little or nothing in return, you are in a one-way relationship, which is not a friendship at all. It’s time to make room for friends who will give as much as they take.
If I met my friend today, what would I think?
Many of us maintain friendships simply because we have been in the relationship for years. Yet, if we were to be introduced to this person in the present moment, we may find that we have nothing in common.
Ask yourself if you still share interests and values. Look at your friendship with a fresh perspective. This person may not be someone you would want to develop a friendship with at all if you met her today.
Has my friend become toxic to my world?
Toxic is an extreme word, but the behavior in such relationships is often extreme. Toxic friends are the friends who drain your energy, are unsupportive, degrading and never share the friendship energy.
In comparison, a rewarding and healthy friendship is one in which you feel uplifted, supported, encouraged and the friendship energy is equal.
How to Let Go of a Friendship Gone Bad
It is time to say goodbye to the friends who no longer elevate you and enhance your life. Breathe. Stand tall. Be Brave. It is time to stop taking care of an unhealthy relationship. It is time to take care of you.
Give yourself Permission
When any relationship is defined as negative, exhausting or toxic, the healthiest thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. It seems there is an unwritten code that tells us we must be loyal to a friend even when the friendship is not doing anything but draining and sometimes sabotaging us. Why is that? We are certainly told in regard to all other relationships to set strict boundaries. Just us we end other unhealthy relationships or even business partnerships, it is necessary to end friendships that have gone bad.
The Break Up
You may either chose to have an open conversation, write a letter or simply let the friendship fade away. Be forgiving, loving and kind and do not look for an answer from your friend. Remember, you are finished spending energy on an unhealthy relationship. Your communication of your feelings should be just that.
Moving on
Life experiences will change who we are and as we change, we alter the people we attract into our lives. It is time to make room for those who align with who we are today. Just as clearing your closet of things that no longer fit you leaves room for more fabulous clothes, clearing your life of friends who hold you back and drain you will only make room for new and fabulous friends to come into your life.
It is time to embrace the idea that by releasing and letting go of a friendship turned bad, you will create more space for positive change within you. Our life is a result of the choices we make. Own that you are making the best one for you in this present moment. Let go, move on. You will find that you shine brighter and soar higher in all that you do.
Want more tips on how to own your Mommy Mojo? Visit Dabney online at www.divacoachdabney.com!
9 Comments
Dabney, how did you know ive been thinking about this? I memorized that song in girl scouts as a very young girl and have always had a hard time reconciling it with the reality that sometimes there are toxic substances masquerading as those precious metals, silver and gold. And also, the fact that sometimes even silver can irritate and create a bad reaction.
It’s taken me years to get to the point of understanding that it’s ok not to be friends with everyone. It’s ok to like people, appreciate them, offer support or assistance, and the like but not be fully invested so as to take that acquainted relationship to that of friend.
We often give people the title of friend when in fact they’re an acquaintance we like more than superficially but not as much as a FRIEND. There is no word for that relationship, which is probably more common. And because one does not exist it’s very “all or nothing”when it doesn’t need to be.
Letting go of a friendship can be very freeing!
Dabney, you have no idea how true this rings for me right now. I’ve been wrestling with a good friend gone bad issue for a little bit now, and this really helps me put it all into perspective. Thanks for sharing! ~Michelle
Love this post. Thank you. Need to do some “housecleaning” myself…
Thank you so much for your honest viewpoint. I wrote a note to a friend whom I decided to let go and that is all i intend to do. I truly think that at some level, they know the friendship has faded. Thanks for being you. You covered the issues so well.
I’m letting go of a person I’ve been friends with for many years. My main issue now is that I have to work with her at least 1 night a week at our part-time jobs. She & I used to be so close until a controlling boyfriend seemed to change her personality permanently. He dictates her life and her friend (and even her kids) are not seen as an enhancement to her life, but a threat to him. And while I could blame 99% of her problem on HIM, it is SHE who has allowed him to control her. She used to be fun to be around & we used to talk regularly but I no longer call her unless it’s work related. Maybe at some point, she’ll realize I’m not around anymore but she’ll have to be away from this guy before the light bulb will go off & I’m not waiting around for that to happen.
There is enough cattiness in this world without having to deal with it in your friendships. The reason I say this is because I was an unhealthy friend once, and I am so glad that I recognized my toxic behavior after much self-reflection, therapy and a lot of maturing. With that being said, I just ended an eight-year friendship with my best friend. The friendship had become unhealthy and negative. Does it mean that we are bad people? No, not at all. I admire her great qualities. She is funny, clever, sharp, witty and generous with her material things and with her time. But sometimes I wondered if the generosity thing was genuine or was it because she was trying to “bribe” me to stay around? In retropect, I still don’t know. What I do know is that one day I recognized that our friendship was unhealthy. I tried to set boundaries after that realization, but I think it was too late because she grew resentful of my boundaries. I grew resentful of her for questioning my boundaries and making me feel like I was a bad friend for trying to assert myself. And when she told me how she felt she blamed it squarely on me and while I take accountability for some of what happened, she refused and that is when I decided to end it. It hurts but it is also liberating at the same time.
Usually the friends I let go of are women. I know its sexist to say so, and being into girls it does leave me stumped for a girlfriend too. But I can’t deal with emotions and a majority of my female friends are SWAMPED with them. I have had to let a couple of really good friends go, right headstrong women they were too. I couldn’t relate to the overt ladylikeness of one crowd, nor the excessive politco feminist of the other. What’s more as they were my mentors I was always made to feel as the tag a long and scape goat to pity and care for because I was always making a ‘victim’ of myself, the girl who never knew what she was doing. When I rose above it or tried to, I was obliged to be put down by both of them because they were good to me. Not anymore. If you’re gonna wish the best for someone then one thing you need to realise is that they are always their own person and once that shows a real friend will be proud of them, not put them in their place. I didn’t get that from those who ‘wished me the best’. They never once followed me out when I invited them, nor bothered to call, respond to friendly texts etc and undoutedly called ME boring! Howver for each and every friend I let go of (which after ages of trying to put up with them and feeling forever in debt) I hit them back with a lesson they can relate to, let her down easy, ignore her or just lash back out. You know something? after I did the latter I felt so much better because I meant every word and even though we may have had good times I hope never to see her again. I have lost a lot but at least I no longer have to answer or deal with someone who makes me feel like a turd.
If someone had read this to me before today I don’t think I would have believed it. But today happened and I am so glad this was here.
Thank you 🙂
Dee
Really good advice, and helps me with my situation now. However sometimes it is not possible or even a good idea to support someone in all they choose to do. I had to end a friendship a couple of years ago because the so-called friend was extremely controlling, demanding and bullying, and became abusive when she didn’t get her own way. When I told her I needed space she accused of not being ‘supportive’. I certainly didn’t want to support her in many of her decisions about how to treat me and other people, which w always self-serving. Someone else’s disapproval is NOT always about them! It might be about us if we treat others poorly. I think this is a good page to read with our selves in mind too – I know that I can be the bad friend too (it’s not always someone else’s fault).