Admit it – you have people in your life that you wish you could tell to sit down and shut up! If only a pocket full of puppy treats would be enough to do the trick. It generally isn’t considered good form to tell people to sit or use bribes to illicit the desired behavior, but every single day we are defacto ‘training’ people how we want to be treated.
Just as the untrained puppy pees on the carpet completely unaware of any wrong-doing, the untrained client continues to make last-minute requests seemingly unconcerned that his little request forced you to cancel weekend plans to make the unreasonable deadline.
The Principles of People Training: How You Train People How to Treat You
Training people is most effective using clear and simple requests, similar to the blunt commands used to train puppies. So, if you can’t stand your coworker continually taking your stapler, you can sit and stew or make a request.
#1: Ask permission – “Do you have a moment to hear something important to me?”
If you are going to the trouble of sharing, I am certain you will not feel respected when the listener is distracted. This question asks them to be present and tells you if later is a better time for that.
The key here is this is important to you. Whose issue is this? Yours. The question alone reflects your ownership of your feelings, which also helps to disarm the listener. Bursting in and launching into a rant about their behavior won’t be well received.
#2: State your feeling and the topic – “I am feeling frustrated about your use of my stapler.”
Resist the urge to add more here. The more simplistic the statement, the better. Don’t’ force the listener to dig the tiny gem of truth out of a novel-length rant.
#3: Stick with the facts available to you – “I have seen my stapler on your desk a number of time and I don’t recall you having asked to borrow it.”
This is the first part the listener’s brain needs to make sense of what you are taking about. Stick with the facts and the facts only.
#4: Discuss your assumptions – “I think you have access to getting your own stapler and I am not sure why you have not asked for one.”
We make assumptions all the time, and often get in trouble for it! Being very overt about your core assumptions lets the listener understand the reasoning behind your behavior.
#5: Make a request or an offer – “I would like you to do what it takes to get your own stapler as soon as possible.”
Most complaints or compliments end at step 4, which does not complete the cycle of communication to change or reinforce a behavior. Clearly stating what you want eliminates the possibility that the listener misinterprets your request.
Speaking like this may seem mechanical and awkward at first. By slowing down the conversation, you are better equipped to get the information out in a way that makes sense and it is not marred with the emotional charge that often comes with this type of communication.
Plus it helps the listener hear the most important information. Simply exploding in a rant leaves the listener feeling verbally puked on, defensive and unsure of what you wanting done differently. Just as puppy training requires consistent and vigilant reinforcement, you must be committed to making the communication at your first opportunity.
People Training in Action: How to Train the People Around You
Clients – When clients call you at times you feel are inappropriate or outside of your work hours, answering their call only reinforces the bad behavior. Do NOT answer the call and clarify your hours of availability the next time you speak.
Employees – If deadlines are not being met, the same request is needed and some appropriate consequence designed. Involving the employee in designing the consequences for repeat offences is the best way to ensure a change in behavior.
Children – Our little people respond to this model very quickly! Their language and grammar is not on an adult level so this supports them to quickly grasp what you are saying. Children, like adults, love to please. When you clearly state your feeling about how it is and what you would like instead, it leaves the door wide open for them to walk through.
Husbands – As much as we continually think they are mind readers, they are not, nor do they read between the lines when there are none. Men love the direct communication with no fluff or fuss so they can ‘fix’ what you want ‘fixed’ and get on with it
Friends – We gals love to tangle details in an emotional quagmire, making it hard for even your best friend to understand what is really bothering you and what you want. This communication model is suited for all personality types and helps us to clear our own head about what we really feel and want.
Understanding how you are defacto training people starts with looking at yourself. Many clues people take on how to treat you are based on non-verbal ways that you treat others, therefore condoning what you say you don’t want. If you are feeling brave, ask others if they think you walk your talk.
These basic steps and ideas will support you to effectively communicate how you want to be treated and avoid the pitfalls of mismanaging relationships. By expressing clear boundaries and rules for the people you deal with on a daily basis, you will be experiencing less conflict and resentment and more joy and productivity in all your relationships.
