Recently there’s been a lot of discussion about whether restaurants have the right to turn away non-adults, or children/babies simply on the basis of their age. The whole argument strikes me as rather ludicrous. All we have to do is institute certain rules that won’t smack of age-ism or be construed as being baby-ist and we can have a natural selection process take place where the sword might come down on children…or those who simply act like them.
These rules could include:
• If you chew with your mouth open, lick your knife or the top of the dessert of the person sitting beside you, you’re out.
• If you interrupt any Mom talking about her busy day with any remark resembling “Not just people with kids are busy, you know.” you’re out.
• If you cry, whine, yell, scream, in a setting where Moms are trying to relax, you’re out.
• If you spit your food out, you’re out.
• If, for any reason, the people traveling with you are required to carry Wet Wipes for your use, you’re out.
• If you wear a bib – or worse, a tucked in napkin or plastic square with a lobster printed on it – you’re out.
• If you didn’t pick out your own outfit this morning, you’re out. (Yes this gets rid of husbands who can’t pick their own shirts either – but really, what type of conversationalist is this guy going to be anyway?)
• If there is the slightest chance you might expel bodily fluids from any orifice while still seated at the table, you’re out.
• If you can’t stop looking at women’s breasts with an overly appreciative and hungry eye…and when you stand up you’re higher than them, you’re out.
Of course, no exclusionary policy would be complete without also instituting VIP membership criteria for good or exceptional behaviour, as well. From my opinion this might be:
• Gurgling, giggling and spontaneously smiling at anything I say.
• Gazing at me with pure adoration and love.
• Holding on to my finger with your entire hand.
Pretty straightforward, I think. It’s not the babies we object to, per se, it’s the unquestionably bad behaviour which we wouldn’t accept at any age. Now sit up straight and start gazing.
Kathy Buckworth’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” is available at bookstores everywhere. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com or follow Kathy on Twitter @ www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth
3 Comments
This is TOO funny! Love Kathy’s writing. It is such a treat to find it here on MOMeo. 🙂 Personally, as a mother of three, I choose to eat at places that are already kid-friendly. I could see dedicating a special area for families, but I would be pretty put-out if my favorite restaurant refused to serve us because we had kids! — Tara
I never thought of it that way before but YES you’re right. It IS the behavior. I’m a 20+ veteran of the restaurant industry and I’ve seen many children behave way better than many adults. That being said, I am a big fan of free markets dictating the results of a business owner’s choices. If a proprietor wants to say “no children under 14” I say have at it. He may narrow his market, but he may expand it too, you never know.
If a proprietor wants to say “I don’t serve alcohol” I say have at it. He’ll attract the kind of clientele that wants that kind of experience, whereas the ones who choose to serve alcohol will attract a different clientele.
I think if you’re a business owner, *announcing* what you are, who you serve, and what you’re all about is just one more way for the public to make informed choices about where to spend their money!
Hi Kathy,
Love this!
I took my daughters to restaurants when they were very young to teach them what I fondly call “grandma manners” (you know, if you wouldn’t do it in front of my forbidding grandma….). But those were family restaurants – the kind that provided crayons and children’s menus.
Fine dining is different and I applaud those restaurants that enforce a no-children policy. Even we children-loving grandma/teachers need places to go where we can focus on the adults in the room instead of spending the occasion trying to squelch one visceral reaction after the other.
Thanks for the laugh.
Diane