Jokes about mother-in-laws have been around as long as civilization itself. But when you’re the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, the difficulties of the relationship are no laughing matter.
It seems problems between the in-laws increase with the arrival of children. A grandchild means families spend more time together, providing more opportunities for conflict. Often in-laws resent not having the chance for more time with the grandchild.
Speaking as a dreaded mother-in-law, navigating this challenging relationship only becomes more difficult with the arrival of grandchildren. Twenty months ago my younger son, Aaron, and daughter-in-law, Jasmine, received two-year-old foster child in the middle of the night. They’re now in the process of adopting her.
We’re all over the moon about the new addition to our family, but of course, we all had a lot to learn about our new roles and relationships.
What NOT to do as a Mother-in-Law: My Mother-in-Law Bads
#1: Helping sometimes implies judgment – It’s hard to imagine that something as simple as pitching in would cause resentment, but sometimes that little bit of help is interpreted as judgment.
I fell into this trap when staying with my son and his wife. Seeing them busy with their jobs, parenting and foster care meetings, I thought I’d help out by cleaning the house. The problem was I never asked them if it was okay and the helpfulness was perceived as me judging the way they kept their home.
A follower of mine – who’s a daughter-in-law – wrote me to say I could have avoided the ensuing resentment if I’d said, “I see you two are working long hours, what can I do to help you around the house?”
#2: Being lenient undermines the rules – One of the true delights of being a grandparent is playing with your grandchild and being lenient, which is what I considered the role of the grandmother.
However, the new parents were trying to establish rules, so Aaron and Jasmine felt undermined by my actions. Instead of presenting a unified parenting (and grandparenting) front to my granddaughter, I was teaching her that it was okay to bend the rules.
#3: Questioning the rule-setter is a big no-no – Every parent has their own style and the best way to help them is by supporting their rules, not questioning them. My daughter-in-law is the primary rule-setter and my son supports her with the rules.
Questioning my son about one rule I disagreed with was a major ‘bad’ on my part because it not only meant that I was in effect criticizing their parenting style, but it put my son in the middle of his wife and mother.
How to Improve Your Relationship With Your In-Laws
- Understand that your in-laws are not purposely trying to undermine you. It’s new territory for them too and, although it may not seem it, your in-laws are doing the best they can at that moment.
- Treat your in-laws with respect, even when you’re hurt or angry. It is difficult when you believe your in-laws aren’t respecting you. But the more you model respect, the greater opportunity you have for influencing their behavior.
- Have a family meeting to discuss boundaries. Be clear about what’s important to you and actively listen to what’s important to them. Show them you understand her/his point of view and discuss any boundaries you won’t compromise on and explain why.
- Be willing to compromise. For example, with your in-laws’ relationship with your children, say okay to two scoops of ice cream or a bedtime that’s half an hour later then you’d like when your children are at their in-laws’ house. It won’t hurt the kids and kids understand there are different rules for different situations.
- Always think of the children. Model for them how to resolve conflicts. Let them see you demonstrate respect and compassion. Unless your in-laws are evil, children benefit from a relationship with their grandparents.
- Engage your mother-in-law (or daughter-in-law) in conversation. If the relationship has been strained, this may initially be difficult. Ask her questions about how she raised the man you chose to marry. Relay stories about your childhood, ask her about her childhood and how she was parented. Listen.
- Bonus tip: Tell your daughter-in-law you see all the effort she puts in to being a good mother. Catch her doing something right.
As with any change in behavior, these tips take practice and repetition. If you do them, the rewards are large. I can attest to that. If you have questions, please include them in the comments.
Cherry Woodburn works in the field of personal development. She facilitates programs designed to open a world of possibilities for women through shifting negative paradigms and increasing confidence. Cherry blogs at http://borderlessthinking.com
15 Comments
As a mother-in-law to be, this is a timely post for me. I had heard it said before I was married, that you were in fact marrying the whole family, and I only realized how true that was after I was married. Fortunately for me, my in-laws were wonderful people, who rarely “meddled”, but even at that there were times when the tension rose over something that looking back was pretty insignificant.
Cherry is so “right on” in saying it really pays off in the relationships to communicate boundaries and expectations to help avoid conflict. Communicating rather than assuming is a great way to avoid conflict; however, I will add a “but” here…different people take to boundaries differently so you really still have to be sensitive to the “personalities & emotions” you are speaking to. For instance, my parents were totally different people from my in-laws, and with my parents, those efforts at communicating boundaries tended to blow-up in our (me & my husband) faces. i.e. “Who do you think you are telling us…….” So in the case of my parents, the boundary setting had to be subtle.
“Be willing to compromise” …absolutely! Not only with in-laws but in all relationships. I hope I remember this super advice by the time I’m an in-law–I’ll bookmark it just to make sure. Good stuff.
Great insights and tips Cherry! It’s amazing how a comment from my parents or my MIL will make me defensive and the exact same words from a friend are just fine. There is always some tension because everyone has such strong opinions about what’s right for our kids etc. – but you are right – in the end does 30 minutes one night matter? Or an extra scoop of ice cream? Not really. But the relationship between a child and their grandparents DOES matter and is extremely important.
Great tips and balanced perspective Cherry.
Thanks Daria for your comment. I hear many stories on MIL and DIL tensions, where just what you described happens, one or the other immediately gets defensive with what was said but they would have let it slide if someone else had said it. Once that type of interaction starts, then the DIL (or MIL) digs her heels in even more about “the rules”. Cherry Woodburn
Thank you Pam for your kind words and insights. You make an excellent point about people responding differently to boundary setting. I hadn’t thought of that but do know that it’s true. Thanks for bringing it into the conversation. Cherry Woodburn
Wonderful tips, Cherry. I can see how confusing it must have been for your home cleaning duties to go unappreciated, or misinterpreted. Wow–this brought me back ten years when I was a new mother. Cleaning my home was one of the most gracious and appreciated (and seriously needed) tasks any one did for me. I wish more people would’ve volunteered…;).
I guess being a mother-in-law to a new grandchild and going on vacation are too events that cause undo stress, although they really shouldn’t. There’s too much going on in the world to let the little things get in the way.
I hope Aaron, Jasmine, and the little one are doing well:).
As a counselor you know how it is, people interpreting things so differently depending on their perspective and history. Things that seem so simple can get so complicated because of all the human dynamics. Thanks for commentling , Cherry
Great insights and helpful tips, Cherry. I loved how you connnected your advice with your own experiences. My favorite tip (it was hard to pick a favorite) is: “Have a family meeting to discuss boundaries.” Boundaries make or break all kinds of relationships. Sometimes we don’t even know that an action could cause dispute until we discuss it. We’re so often running at a frantic pace that we forget that collaboration, discussion, and planning can often save us more time than they take. Great post!
Thanks. THe frantic pace most of us live does put extra pressure on relationships and in-law relationships are so important for the well-being of extended families.
Great advice! Yes, I try to catch my father-in-law in doing something right, but had to put my foot down a couple of times. Our in-laws all live pretty far away and we either don’t see them for years or we are together 24/7 for weeks when they are visiting.
The issue of in-laws and other extended family members and parenting is potentially a minefield of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Unfortunately I don’t have a mother-in-law. We lost her before we could experience any conflict. I would have preferred the conflict if we could have her back. Grandparents are precious.
Great post, Cherry—but what about the MILs who live very close by and choose not to be involved at all? It confuses me and it makes me resentful. My MIL lives a mile from us, is retired, 62 years old and in great health. But her priorities include shopping, playing mah jong, eating out w/ her friends, and going to the movies. As a result, my kids do not “know” her and are not inclined to spend time with her on the rare occasions she asks. I think it’s sad that she has no relationship with them. When we found out we were having twin girls she was over the moon b/c she had 2 sons. I thought things would be different, and now being pregnant with # 3, I sure could use some help sometimes. And clean my house? HA! She would certainly never do anything like that. I feel guilty sometimes for being so angry with her—but my mom, who lives 1000+ miles away, has a better/closer relationship w/ my kids even though she doesn’t live nearby.
Still, wonderful post and I know many people will find this helpful. Sorry I used this as a spot to vent! xo
Erin,
I’ve heard similar complaints to yours and, frankly, it confuses me too. I have wanted to be a grandmother almost since I had my sons, so I can’t relate to your MIL’s choices. Having 2 sons and no daughters, I have especially enjoyed having a granddaughter.
What would happen (and maybe you’ve tried this) if you set up a bi-weekly (or once a week to start) whole family goes out to eat together and then hubs asked his mom if she’d watch the girls so you two could be alone together. Sounds like maybe the initiation has to come from you and I can also understand where you’d resent that.
No problem with your venting. We all need to at times. Hugs to you, the girls and the getting bigger red bean. Cherry
Irene,
Nothing wrong with putting your foot down – all part of boundaries.
My son and DIL live 4 hours away which is a lot closer than your inlaws but it still means we’re together 24/7 for several days and it’s a strain. I can only imagine what a few weeks would feel like. That intensives every interaction.
Lovely sentiment about missing “conflict” with a mother in law.
Wonderful article Cherry! As a husband and father, I am bless with a wife, a mother, AND a mother-in-law!! There are always opportunities for misunderstandings! I’ve found the tips you suggested to be very helpful in my life. I think the best advice is to keep in mind that moms (that includes moms-in-law) are trying to be helpful and usually operate from that perspective, but that sometimes it is different from our expectations as the parent – communication is the key when those situation arise.
So true Dan. It’s unfortunate that our intentions can be so different from our impact.
I wish you were my MIL!
We are taking a break from my inlaws after the…… challenging Christmas we had with them.
We have tried to talk to them. They know our parenting style and rules. We’ve been very clear with them. And for a while it seemed like it was getting better. Then we let them babysit our oldest (the baby comes with me everywhere right now, ticks them off) and we were finding out from our son all the things that Grandma let him do that he knew weren’t right. Everything we say goes in one ear and out the other. We are constantly being undermined and disrespected. To the point of arguments happening in front of my children.
My husband’s and my relationship with my inlaws have been a struggle since the day we got engaged and, after over 8 years you would think there would be some improvement! I grew up with no grandparents around and was so excited that my kids get both sets. Unfortunatly though they are really only developing positive relationships with one side.
I wish I could discretely let them read your rules!